Our Democracy REALLY Has Been Hacked… or, How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Democracy is dead. It was dead a long time ago, but now there’s a new, old threat: THE RUSSIANS! Impossible to imagine just a year ago, it was only a matter of time before the democracy of the “free world” was hacked through the use of technology.

As we all already know, the tagline for Mr Robot is “Our Democracy Has Been Hacked.” It was meant in the allegorical sense, but this time Democracy really, really really has been hacked. The Ruskies ACKCHEWALLY pwned the election and in doing so, our fave little hacker series has become the most prophetic TV show since The Simpsons correctly predicted President Trump or since Biff Tannen found that sports almanack!

We, know, we know…. The Russians hacking the election to help an American President become elected is crazy difficult to get your head around, so let me put it in simpler terms…

You know The Grinch Who Stole Christmas? It’s like that.

Democracy - Vladimir Putin Grinch

Only with Russia as The Grinch and America as Christmas…

The Trumpotus already planned on selling America off to the highest bidder and has a fondness for Russia, but those pesky Russians had to go and play dirty, didn’t they?

Last week, the C.I.A. confirmed that the Russians had intervened in the 2016 election to help Donald Trump win the presidency, but what does that mean?

We know that the Russians definitely hacked into the Democratic National Committee’s network. Twice.

Democracy - Putin

Here’s Vladimir Putin trying to hack American nuclear codes WITH HIS MIND!

The cybersecurity firm working with the DNC confirmed hacker group “Cozy Bear” aka CozyDuke or APT29, who have links to Russian Intelligence, hacked the DNC in 2015.

In 2016, a separate hacker group “Fancy Bear” stole e-mails and information from Republicans and Democrats, but only released the Democrats information. This group have previously hacked The Whitehouse and The Pentagon and their website opens with the words “Greetings citizens of the world. Allow us to introduce ourselves… We are Fancy Bears international hack team.” If you close your eyes, you can almost hear Mr Robot himself saying it!

Democracy - Fancy Bear

Nice bear! Nice Bear! Come here… ARRRGHHH MY FACE! MY DEMOCRACY!

So far, there is no evidence that the democracy of the election itself was tampered with but we here at Mr Robot Hacks think it’s only a matter of time. They should’ve gone to Pwnie! Yet, unsurprisingly, now Trump has massaged his narcissistic ego and won the election, he’s in-fighting with the CIA, the very people he should be working with to protect the nation from the Russians.

And here’s the Trump supporters view of the past six weeks:

FBI: “We have found more Hillary Clinton e-mails, but there’s probably nothing to worry about”

CIA: “The Russians have hacked the election”
Trump Supporters: “Talk to the hand!”

The Donald…sorry President-Elect is known for his bizarre, late-night tweets, but none has made Mr Robot Hacks and every Cybersecurity Pro around the world erupt into laughter quite as much as this one:

Democracy - Trump Tweet

It’s side-splittingly funny, isn’t it! We haven’t laughed quite so hard here at Mr Robot Hacks HQ since we fell off our dinosaur – A Trumposaurus Rex.

But now we’ve stopped crying with laughter… Ex-National Security Agency analyst, John Schindler told The Huffington Post “That’s just silly” his guffaw presumably squirting coffee through his nose before continuing “That is just simply false.”

OF COURSE, IT’S FUCKING FALSE! What do you suggest, oh esteemed knowledge holder on The Cyber? Following a series of cables… to Russia?

A hacker has to be pretty damned inept to get caught in the act, nevertheless, hacking is a cybercrime, and like any crime, perps leave behind evidence. Detecting who’s behind an attack utilises state-of-the-art digital forensics and the best analysts in the business, who will study hacker’s software, malware, location, habits and even psychology. Getting inside a hacker’s mind helps track them down and catch them… after the act.

Kevin Mitnick, aka The Condor and The Darkside Hacker spent five years in prison for computer-related crimes, but who now heads a huge cybersecurity business tweeted:

Democracy - Kevin MitnickWith Mr Robot scribe, Sam Esmail clearly knowing that hackers get caught all the time and very rarely “in the act” he’s right, you know nothing about hacking, so allow us to explain; the whole point of hacking, Trumpy Boy, is that it’s anonymous, done remotely and through the back door.

I know that’s difficult to get your head around, so let me try and think of another metaphor as an example… erm… just off the top of my head… the words in your tweet are like saying it’s hard to catch your Italian ski instructor, Swiss Male au pair, Russian pilates instructor and Mexican gardener banging your Slovenian model trophy wife (despite her lipstick on each of their collars) unless you catch him with his dick in her!

Think of hacking like having an extra-marital affair, and you know all about those, Donald.

Cybercrimes, like affairs, are carried out clandestinely and through the back door. No, not that back door, you perverts!

Before we go, there are just a couple more things regarding your Tweet, Donny… Can we call you Donny? Good!

A) the subject WAS brought up before the election, by none other than Hillary Clinton. In a Presidential Debate, remember her?

B) You, yourself were the one encouraging the Russians to commit espionage and isn’t that tantamount to treason?

Like the rest of the world, we hope there will be a full, independent investigation by a Senate Committees, but in the meantime, remember YOU’RE THE PUPPET… NO, YOU’RE THE PUPPET!

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